Chapter 3: Nurses, nurses everywhere but no baby in sight

I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to writing my story. I have no real excuse. That being said, back to where I left off. Also, I will try to recall the events as best I can. Everything is kinda fuzzy until Saturday which is when they took away the Tweety button. In light of this, I will write about specific events and feelings I can remember not paying specific attention to what day it happened. I remember more about what happened after I left the ICU anyway. If you were there or otherwise know what happened, feel free to correct me.

July 2nd through the 5th were quite surreal. I knew I had a child somewhere, just not there. An endocrinologist - we shall call her Dr. Wishy since she could never decide what was wrong with me- came with her interns- The Bashful Terrorist (I know he was Pakistani; let me have my fun) and JD (His hair looked much like Zach Braff on Scrubs; and yes, everyone from that show had their equivalent except for Dr. Cox)- who told me that she was going to figure out what happened. I said ok and went back to watching Charmed. I watched Angel and Charmed every morning on TNT since I was awake. You don't get any kind of rest in a hospital. It's loud and everyone comes in to take your vitals. My only consolation was the wonderful nursing staff. I had the sweetest nurse every night. She was from Kenya and had the cutest little accent ever. I loved her and I could tell that she liked to come in and help me out. I'm a nice person, what can I say.

That morning, friends and family began coming in to visit me. I can't explain the relief I felt when DH came in for the first time. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and cuddle. I couldn't because I was all wired up. The fact that I couldn't get much physical contact from anyone was difficult. Those of you who know me well know that I am a touchy feely kind of person. I love hugs and desperately needed one or twenty million. I had to settle for kisses on the cheek.

Back to the nurses. I remember when the doctor put me on a liquid diet because I hadn't yet farted (Yes, this was a concern after one has given birth) and I was starving. I had eaten all of my cream of wheat and watery grits when No Nonsense Nurse came in. She asked who I was and I said that I had been looking forward to pancakes since that's what I had ordered for breakfast and was given liquidy corn products in return. She went against the doctors orders and special ordered pancakes for me. It wasn't much, but it brightened my day. My Kenyan nurse always said I was "such a brave girl" and smiled. There was a nurse who was nine months pregnant. The other nurses told her she needed to hang around me so that my early birth would rub off on her. I always felt bad about asking her to do things since she was quite preggo. I hope that by now she has had a safe and easy labor and delivery with a healthy baby. There was also L; she wasn't a nurse, but a medical assistant. One night, she gave me a sponge bath. As she was wiping off my filth, I asked her if I needed to give her a few singles as she did it and if I was going to get a happy ending. She was laughing so hard, she had to stop a few times. She also had the ability to wrangle me out of the bed and into the chair. She couldn't have weighed any more than I did, but she was a mighty little thing!

My Kenyan nurse always asked about how my baby was doing and loved it when people brought pictures of her. Momma Pug printed out pics of my child and put them around my room so I could see her. I don't know what I had done without those pictures. I had seen my baby for maybe thirty seconds whilest in a drug induced state. For the time I was in the hospital, I didn't believe I had a baby. I knew people were bringing me pictures and showing me video of this tiny thing with as many tubes in her as I had. I couldn't really be sure she was mine though. I hadn't had the honor of truly meeting her yet.

I hated being alone in that hospital and I often was. I remember one night that DH, Momma Pug, The Aggie and Texas Barbie came to visit me. It was great to be surrounded by friends. The nurses had to kick everyone out for shift change and I was alone. I started crying. After Hurricane Katrina, I developed a -fear is such a strong wrod, but we'll use it for lack of a better one- fear of being alone. After going through therapy for the first time and learned that I could not do everything by myself, I hated being alone. If I couldn't go home and couldn't see my baby, the least I could do was be surrounded by people who loved me. A new nurse walked in, we'll call her Goldie since she had a gold cap over her front tooth. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I explained as best I could my loneliness. She stayed with me until Texas barbie snuck back in to show me the video of me after the C Section.

I know that everyone who was there had other things to do- go see the baby, clean my house, run errands, etc. But I did resent everyone a little bit since no one would show up to see me until it was almost lunch time, would stay for a few minutes and then leave. I was alone every night in the ICU because my mother, who had the best of intentions, told everyone that I was better off alone.

The doctors didn't make matters any better. Dr. Washy told me different things everytime she came in- You're Type 1; you're type 2; you developed type 1 at the beginning of the pregnancy/five years ago/three months ago; it's just gestational. This was another reason why I didn't want to be alone. I was so high I wasn't sure what all the doctors were saying. Hospital patients always need an advocate!! This came into play on my last day in the hospital when Dr. Anthony Edwards told me I could go home on Monday- but I'm getting ahead of the story.